508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
