nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
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