I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
