Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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