bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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