I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
