Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
i out mim tonsoeep
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
