I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
