could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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