i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
