My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
