No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
