Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
