so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
