Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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