Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
