Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
