Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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