She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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