I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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