Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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