Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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