I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
