how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
