I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
