my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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