I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
My ATM looks so different sober.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
