I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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