Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
