I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
