see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
