Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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