dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
