I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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