Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
