eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
