there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
