3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
BRING THE BAGELS
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
