just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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