I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
