I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
