I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Randomize
