Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
