i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
