A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I came so hard my ears popped.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
