tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
