Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
