Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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