Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
