One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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